2026-03-26

#diary #ramble

Being bilingual (and associated shitfuckery)

(This post grew to be way longer and more ranty than I expected LOL, hence the added diary tag. That tag is for talking about anything I actually did IRL, no matter how far ago. Also parts of it sounds a bit negative, but I assure you most of my feelings when writing this post is positive. Consider the negative parts catharsis.)

I'm bilingual, in case you haven't noticed.

I learned English when I went to school in the US for a year when I was 8. I don't even remember learning it; I got put in a classful of English speakers and then at the end of the year I just could speak it now.

There was this one ABC kid who was like two grades older than me, and would sometimes help me when he was free. I remember him helping me with my math homework one time. He was desperately searching for the Chinese word for "area," but blanked on it, and asked me "you know what area means, right?" I was like yeah. Circumference. I bet he thought I was stupid. Not that I'm not, but at least I can calculate the area of a rectangle.

And since I was there for a calendar year, not a school year, I attended the second half of second grade and the third half of third grade. In third grade they started teaching cursive. They started from the lowercase letters, of course; and in the later half of the year they started on the capitals, and by then I was long gone. To this day I still can't write capital cursive letters, LOL.

The teacher made my classmates each write me a page of goodbyes and stapled all of them into a book. I may or may not still have it.

When I got back to China, I kept it up by reading a lot of English books. Mostly Warriors, and other children's fiction. They're usually written in the past tense, so now I'm still more used to talking in the past tense rather than the present.

But anyways, all that is to say, remember that ABC kid who couldn't remember what the Chinese for "area" was? He knew what the Chinese for "area" was; that's for sure. But if you showed him the English word "area" and asked him for its Chinese translation, he would blank out. I would too. I find it hard to translate between the two, even when a sentence and its other language equivalent would've been perfectly understandable when presented to me alone.

I don't know how common exactly is this, but I know there are four (4) people who are like this and by my flawless induction it means all bilingual people are like this. And with a quick Google search, it seems that it's pretty much understood that being bilingual does not mean you can translate between two languages.

It takes practice. When I was reading Wings of Fire, I got a copy of a Chinese version to give to my friend, but I read it myself first and the translation was bad. So when I was reading Wings of Fire, I tried translating the sentences myself as I read. It slowed down my reading speed dramatically, of course, and sometimes the momentum meant I couldn't stop translating even when I told myself to stop and just read normally. But during that time, I found translating random webpages and signs a lot more quicker and easier. And it deteriorated as soon as I stopped translating the books.

But the question now becomes: if someone learns a language Duolingo-style (i.e. translating every sentence and every word into their native language), would they be able to translate well? Or would they fail to become fluent at all? I have no fucking idea LOL and I just reminded myself I hadn't done my Anki flashcards today yet. BRB.

Anyways. When I got back to China, my parents took full advantage of my language skills and got me to do a ton of stuff like public speaking competitions, debates, model UN shit. Ultimately all of them were a colossal waste of time.

Take debate for example. My parents got me to do English debates because they knew I could never beat anyone in Chinese ones but I have a marginal advantage in a room full of ESLs. But what could I possibly have to say about an issue I don't care about? The sides are randomly assigned too, so how can I argue for something I don't even agree with?

I remember a topic one time was "is it good to do animal experiments?" Like how is that even an issue, given the alternative is going straight to human experimentation?

The last debate competition I did was actually really recent, when a friend of mine asked me 2 hours before the event to be her partner after her original partner dropped out last minute. It was some sort of model UK Parliament, and the first topic was "when DNA tests reveal unexpected blood relationships, should that be mandatorily disclosed to both parties concerned" or something like that. Again, how is this up for debate? What happened to patient privacy? And why would it be a concern for the UK Parliament? Maybe the UK Parliament has too much time on their hands. Maybe the UK Parliament should do something more productive instead of trying to overturn patient privacy acts. And I'm supposed to be arguing for it.

And then here are some arguments presented (well, paraphrased).

… And the opposition never mentioned the word "privacy" once. College students, mind you.

Public speaking is… well, I don't think it's worse actually. Maybe around the same level of bad. My arch-nemesis is called "The Star of Outlook." You can look it up, it must be one of the biggest English public speaking competitions in China. Or maybe it just feels big because I participated a lot, IDK. It has different groups for all ages from kids to adults. I am very very certain that the kids ever participate because their parents want to feel special, like they raised a smart kid and it's all their credit.

For the kid parts, I remember a section where they give you a picture, usually a comic, and you describe what happens in it. I got this 4-panel comic of a dog trying to reach a bone but it was leased to a pole and the bone was just out of reach. I forgot how the dog got the bone. And later there was also a debate section. I got raincoats versus umbrellas. I forgot which side I was on, but come on who cares?? Maybe I'm just too opinionated and too firm on my stances but I really think some stuff are simply not up for debate, like animal experimentation and patient DNA data disclosure; but this is an instance where I think actually has nothing concrete to shut the whole debate down immediately and you can argue about the pros and cons of either, but genuinely, who the fuck cares.

I was too meek. Too weak to start any bullshit. If I had another chance, I would've just spewed bullshit. Rip the comic in half and say, "and the mutt fucking died, the fucking end."

In high school I attended it for the last time. Went all the way up to national. Went to Beijing for it, even. In the "receive a prompt and say whether you agree or not" part, I got "is it ethical to do genetic editing of babies" or something like that; you get the idea. Considering that this is straight up eugenics, I really pray for people to come up with actually arguable prompts that cannot be shut down in a single line. I have to speak for like two minutes straight when "eugenics bad" would've sufficed!

I get the point is rhetoric. Persuasion. To show how well you can persuade people to take your side. The essence of debate, after all. And just what I despise. Maybe subconsciously I assume I could not ever persuade anyone because I know I cannot be persuaded easily.

And the worst thing is, I fucking got into national top 10 in the high school group. Which means I have to go back to Beijing a couple weeks later to get on fucking TV. Miserable 12-hour train rides.

I wonder if I could've forfeited. Give the 11th kid a chance. Too late to find out now.

I may or may not have prepared another speech for this thing. Have I told you my parents paid for a tutor for speech practice? Everyone does that I suppose. At least for the kids who got to national level; I'm sure of that. What a waste of money. Maybe in the future when I'm unemployed and desolate I could do tutoring like that.

The entire TV program was basically you give an introduction, and then your speech, and a row of "experts" comment on it. It was so pretentious and stupid. Also apparently other kids prepared for their introductions too. I did not do that. When it was my turn on stage, I simply said "I like cats." Not only did I have nothing else to say, I also didn't think y'all deserved to know anything beyond that. Who do you think you are?

The commentator expert guy commented on my speech, but I couldn't care less. One thing he mentioned was "you speak really fast, so you're more suitable for debates." Heh. I think you should go eat a bullet. Face it, neither of us wanted to be there. And if you're really some great expert maybe you should've given out your comments in English. Just a suggestion.

They didn't want us looking at our phones backstage either. We're literally backstage? What do you want me to do then, bang my head against the wall until I pass out?

There was also an individual interview thing where they ask you how you learned English and what advice you could give to learners. And it finally occurred to me to spew bullshit. Because I'm not about to tell them how I spent a year in the US. It's not complicated, and a lot of kids I knew had the exact same experience, but I just didn't feel like saying it. Instead, I said I learned it all by the book. I recited entire dictionaries. I spent two hours every day memorizing words and sentence structures, grammar rules and conventions. The heavy American accent? That's normal. Inside of every demon is a yankee after all. Any last bit of stuff you'd like to add? Abandon, hehe. "Abandon" is a popular joke when it comes to English learning since it's usually the first word in many essential exam wordlists, so the joke was you never study beyond the first page so the only word you know is "abandon."

The only impressive thing I saw there was that the music was played in real-time. There was a guy at the keyboard piano, playing whatever fits the mood and switching tunes seamlessly. That was super cool.

But anyways. Do you know what my parents should've had me do, instead of all these shitfuckery? Simultaneous interpretation. That shit sounds so fucking cool. Sit next to a diplomat whispering the words of the other diplomat into their ear. One wrong word and I start a war. One kind lie and I avert a crisis. Of course actually doing diplomatic interpretation would be too much of a fantasy, but many many skills surrounding interpretation are also amazing to have. You have to listen, translate, and speak all at the same time. Right now, I couldn't understand anything if two people are talking to me at the same time. Imagine if I had the training. That would be epic. I would be so cool. Or maybe I would whine and give up. That sounds more like me. But I can imagine.

Of course, it's never too late to start, but I'm lazy and by writing this blog post I'm already procrastinating on my homework LOL.

There's also this thing where I stutter sometimes when speaking. I assure you that's not because of English; I do the same in Chinese. I stutter because I am very stupid and can't talk well in general, not because I don't speak English well enough. That settles it.

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