2025-12-14

Pikmin Bloom players are evil.

I've been roped into playing Pikmin Bloom by my friends, and the closer I look, the more evil we all are.

1. We force the pikmin to walk with us wherever we please.
2. We send them on expeditions, essentially enslaving them.
3. We draft them with the mushroom battles.
4. Worse, we have them hooked on nectar. Why do you think they all rush to us whenever we hold it out? And even when we throw it to the floor, they don't hesitate to run over and pick it up. Because they're addicted. They're trapped by us because we're their only source of nectar!
5. Alternative explanation: the nectar is their food, and they're starving. We have an intentional strategy to feed no one more than 6 times a day — to keep them hungry and reliant on us.
6. Recently, I've also discovered this: we have a pikmin limit. If we want to grow new pikmin, we'll have to kill the old ones. The game makes it sound tame by saying "release" instead of "murder," but really, setting them off into the wilderness all on their own, what do you think is going to happen to them? We're such heartless monsters. (You can also increase the limit with real-life currency purchases, but that's just Nintendo being evil and nobody is surprised.)

Morally depraved actions aside, the game is quite fun, though not very effective in motivating me to walk. More than half of my pikmin are all college crest patch pikmin because I don't go off campus. I've also realized, after adding a couple of random people who sent me friend requests, that this is The Doxing Game, and hastily deleted these strangers.